After you’ve read all of the other mock drafts, check out the strangest things that might happen in the first round. This mockery draft includes new National Anthem controversies, irrational fears, ridiculous controversies, bad puns and new mascots.
For some of us, the NFL Draft is incredibly long. The lead up to the draft is overhyped. The ‘experts’ are never held accountable for the terrible picks they help endorse. You don’t even know if the draft picks are great or even good NFL players for a couple of years but each team is assigned an immediate draft grade from the draft ‘authorities’.
There are great NFL Draft experts out there. I would highly recommend you check out Jake Marsing’s work on the draft—he’s doing a great job.
I am not a draft expert. Instead, I created the 2017 NFL Mockery Draft. Here is the first round. In this chaotic draft, all teams were given their first round picks back.
- Cleveland Browns
The NFL decides to run an opening montage before the Cleveland Browns make the first pick. They accidentally show the internal, “Greatest Moments in Cleveland Browns History” video meant only to be shown at Roger Goodell’s Christmas party. The montage begins with John Elway’s “The Drive” in the 1987 AFC Championship game and follows it up with the 1988 “The Fumble” sequence. After a shot of moving trucks, the video shows highlights of the Baltimore Ravens two Super Bowl wins, including parade shots in Baltimore and empty streets in Cleveland.
- San Francisco 49ers
For some reason, the National Anthem starts playing as the 49ers clocks starts. A whole new controversy develops when the camera pans to Roger Goodell asleep in his chair. Some people think it’s a new protest against the National Anthem.
- Chicago Bears
The Chicago Bears walk onstage with a Super Bowl banner and seven of their NFL Championship banners (pre-Super Bowl) to prove that they are not the most pathetic team in Chicago sports. However, the Bears actually won eight NFL Championships. The hunt is on for months for the missing banner. It turns out Mike Ditka’s been using it as a beach towel.
- Jacksonville Jaguars
Because of Jacksonville’s new marketing campaign, “We’re in the same state as Disney World,” a cross promotion Guardians of the Galaxy Chris Pratt goes up to announce the Jaguars pick with Mickey, Minnie and Goofy. However, every time Pratt mentions that Jacksonville is building a winning culture, Goofy makes his lovable “yup, yup” to roars of laughter from the crowd.
- Los Angeles Rams
The Rams want people to remember their rich history in Los Angeles this year and what better way than a tribute to that movie that showed them winning a Championship in the 1970’s called “Heaven Can Wait.” It’s about the accidental death of a quarterback and his deal to go back to Earth and win a Super Bowl. It all seemed like a great idea until the film’s lead actor, Warren Beatty, gets in front of the microphone with the envelope. The envelope that accidentally reads “2015 St. Louis Rams” on it.
- New York Jets
The New York Jets take the stage with a tribute medley to West Side Story, as one of those gangs in the musical is called the Jets. Ryan Fitzpatrick, who has a wonderful voice, is stabbed too early in the medley and lays on the stage for far too long. Not only does it remind everyone of all of the sacks he takes, but it’s awkward.
- Los Angeles Chargers
The Chargers debut an updated version of the “San Diego Super Chargers” song with new lyrics for the “Los Angeles Super Chargers”. The song will soon be used as an ad describing how fast the new Samsung Galaxies charge.
- Carolina Panthers
Cam Newtown is filmed at a hotel bar in Hawaii watching the Panthers’ pick. He does not show enough excitement for the pick and it becomes the number one story of the first round. Why does Newtown not display support for the teammate he hasn’t met yet?
- Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals take the opportunity to say that head coach Marvin Lewis will change his name to just Marvin this year. Some people in the organization believe that Lewis sounds too much like Lose and it’s hurting the team’s chances.
- Buffalo Bills
The Buffalo Bills announce that their new mascot is a Duck. They want to get away from the Buffalo aspect of their name, just because they live in Buffalo. They are also hoping that people mistake them for the Oregon Ducks. Since they live on the East Coast, they didn’t watch Oregon play in the Pac-12 games last year and don’t know that they had a very Buffalo Bills-like season.
- New Orleans Saints
The New Orleans Saints put out a crazy conspiracy theory about why they’ve finished 7-9 three years in a row. They believe that the Russians hacked the Super Dome causing the lights to go out in the 2013 Super Bowl. Since then, the Russians have continued hacking into their team’s facilities, leaking all of their plays and then betting against them in Vegas. The Saints also cry “Fake News” a couple of times about all of the mean stories written about them.
- Philadelphia Eagles
Philadelphia management refuses to show up to the draft, hosted in Philadelphia. When reached for comment, Eagles GM Howie Roseman said, “These fans are really mean and have been known to hurt people’s feelings.”
- Arizona Cardinals
Arizona manages a tearful goodbye to the state of Arizona. They are convinced that they will have to move back to St. Louis because that seems to be the trend in the NFL.
- Minnesota Vikings
An executive from the History Channel comes on to announce a crossover between the Viking TV show and the football team. Teddy Bridgewater will be impaled by a Viking Helmet in the first episode and miss the next two seasons.
- Indianapolis Colts
“In honor of the City of Brotherly Love, we will be auctioning a game-worn Indianapolis Colts Eli Manning jersey that he wore during his time as a Colt. That’s right, a game worn ELI, not Peyton, Manning jersey.”
- Baltimore Ravens
The Philadelphia fans start chanting, “BIG CROWS BIG CROW BIG CROWS” so loudly that the Ravens never manage to announce their pick. It’s Eagles’ fans only victory of the day.
- Washington Redskins
The Washington Redskins announce that their new mascot is the Kool-Aid Man (The giant red jar of Kool-Aid). The press conference announcement turns ugly when the Kool-Aid Man explains that he actually has clear skin, not red skin, and that Washington should change its name.
- Tennessee Titans
“With the 18th pick, the Tennessee Titans select Peyton Manning as their General Manager.”
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tampa Bay’s draft pick finds out on stage that a Buccaneer is actually a pirate. “But I don’t want to be a pirate!” he yells into the microphone. Although the player has never seen Seinfeld, this becomes his legacy. Years from now, a signed Puffy Shirt by this player will make its way to Canton, Ohio.
- Denver Broncos
ESPN goes live to Denver Broncos Headquarters where a fight breaks out between two local media members arguing over whether Trevor Siemien or Paxton Lynch will start for the Broncos. The skirmish doesn’t age well, as the Broncos draft a QB who ends up starting week one.
- Detroit Lions
The Lion’s draft day poll goes wrong. The question is: who is your favorite all-time Lion? Answers range from Barry Sanders to Mathew Stafford, but the write-in vote of “The Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz” wins in a landslide.
- Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins end up trading the player they draft in this spot. The draft pick has a fear of fish. He can’t stand to be in the same room as the Dolphin’s logo. No matter how many times the Dolphins explain that a dolphin is not a fish, the guy can’t handle it. He goes on to be an MVP with the New England Patriots.
- New York Giants
Tony Romo is interviewed during the New York Giants pick. Halfway through he casually mentions that he recently bought a game worn Eli Manning Giants helmet on EBay. The reporter, not sure what to say, asks if he’s gotten used to following the NFL’s 24-hour news cycle?
- Oakland Raiders
An Elvis impersonator walks up to the microphone and dedicates “Heartbreak Hotel” to the city of Oakland.
- Houston Texans
Houston comes to the microphone. “We had a few Brock Osweiller puns laying around and we need to get those out of our system:
Kids, make sure to eat your Brock-LEE
A pirate Brocks into a bar
Brock and Roll
For clarification. There’s a reason we didn’t use them before.”
- Seattle Seahawks
Russell Wilson announces that he will be in a one-man play entitled Wilson—where he plays the volleyball from Castaway. “It’s going to be a lot like Space Jam. Except, I won’t be playing basketball, I will roll around onstage like a volleyball for two hours.”
- Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs play clips of their new reality show, Kansas City Chefs. This seems like the perfect show for Andy Reid to be a judge, but that joke is way too easy to make and won’t be made here.
- Dallas Cowboys
That’s all the Dallas Cowboys have to say at the NFL Draft as they refuse to make a single pick. Emboldened by last season, they believe there’s no reason they’re not already the best team in NFL history.
- Green Bay Packers
The Green Bay Packers have Olivia Munn announce their pick. The message is clear. They’re on her side in the breakup with Aaron Rodgers.
- Pittsburgh Steelers
Somehow, the Steelers end up with three first round picks. When asked for comment, one official said, “we’re not thieves, we’re Steelers.”
- Atlanta Falcons
The Falcons ask if they can pause their time after the first half of it expires, just so they can savoir the moment when they were ahead in this thing—not the draft, of course, but the Super Bowl.
- New England Patriots
In an offering of goodwill, the Patriots give Rodger Gooodell a ceremonial Super Bowl LI ring. As he puts it on his finger, the diamonds deflate and fall off.
This post originally appeared on 5280 Sports Network, now a part of Mile High Sports