As the NFL Preseason Ends, here is a look back at the most important conversations around the Denver Broncos this year. Let’s treat the preseason with the reverence and respect it deserves.
The preseason exists so that the NFL can receive more money from its season ticket holders and TV affiliates. Its role includes boring football and injuries to key players. With that in mind, a lot of really interesting things happened to the Denver Broncos this pre-season. Unfortunately, most of the conversations were about Trevor Siemian vs. Paxton Lynch.
Still, here were my favorites (real and imagined):
Kyle Sloter Fever
Text from Jeremy Halperin: Apparently Sloter is trending nationally on Twitter. Our fan base is the worst sometimes.
Broncos Fan’s Internal monologue during the preseason:
This is just a preseason game. It doesn’t matter. This is just preseason. It is not… AHHH! Why did he make that throw? What a stupid move by the…. It’s just the preseason… UGH, A FLAG! Why was there a FLAG!? That guy should be cut. I don’t ever want to see that guy again. Ugh, the offense looks terrible. I know we’re on defense right now, but who can think about defense with this offense. We’re in trouble. We’re in trouble. This preseason is just preparing me for the heartbreak of the regular season. COORS LIGHT OVER HERE!
Is Paxton Lynch a less exciting Tebow?
If you have to ask the question…
What’s that guy’s name?
Fan prints out a roster of Broncos players to make notes.
“That was a nice tackle by that guy. What was his number? 47? Is there a 47 on here? No there isn’t a 47…
Oh no! The next play just happened. Who was that guy? What’s his name? I don’t see him on here either.”
Fan tears up the roster.
Renaming Sports Authority Field
The least original thought from a member of Broncos Country.
“You know what would be funny (laughter). They should name the stadium after a dispensary.”
Uncontrollable laughter as I walk away in disgust.
Too Many Penalties
Referee: Holding! On every member of the offensive line… The first penalty is accepted… the other four are declined… Really sloppy play out here… I’m earning my paycheck this week… I can’t believe you paid full price for these tickets… Ten-yard penalty… I’ll be back on the next play with more penalties… Don’t go anywhere.
Sweeping John Elway’s Political Stances Under the Rug
Reporter: John Elway tweeted “FAKE NEWS”.
Editor: We’re not allowed to talk about it.
Reporter: But don’t you think…
Editor: Don’t talk about it.
Reporter: You said the same thing about his economic argument in January.
Editor: Which one?
Reporter: That Elway doesn’t believe you should give from a place of strength to benefit a place of weakness.
Editor: Don’t talk about that either.
Reporter: Why not?
Editor: It’s just not allowed.
Reporter: What if he runs for governor?
Editor: He’ll win.
Watching the Broncos Preseason Game With an Irish Guy
I was at the third preseason game with my friend from Ireland, Kevin. Kevin asked me about Von Miller because the fans went nuts for him. I told him that Von is the Broncos best player. His job was to tackle the quarterback, which is harder than it sounds. Kevin wasn’t too impressed with Von Miller’s sack. I’m pretty sure that he thought Aaron Rodgers went down too easily. However, Kevin was pretty impressed with the Emmanuel Sanders hit after Siemian’s interception.
Fans sprint from one side of the stadium to the other during the National Anthem to judge how their team’s National Anthem protest compares to the opponents. Vegas odds makers and Pro Football Focus start coming up with formulas for how the quality of the protest affects the outcome of the game.
Renaming the Denver Broncos to the Colorado Broncos
Colorado person: Guys, I don’t associate with Denver. I’m scared of going into the city—for obvious reasons. We should change the name to the Colorado Broncos!
Denver person: Well, what about the Wyoming fans?
Colorado person: We should change the name to the Mountain West Broncos.
Montana person: I root for the Patriots.
Colorado person: The Mountain West will crush New England!
Natural Progression of Von Miller
Von Miller signs autographs every day at training camp.
Von Miller pumps up the crowd every chance he gets.
Von Miller watches the neighbor’s kids at a moments notice.
Von Miller attends the opening of a neighborhood lending library.
Von Miller searches for and returns a lost puppy.
Von Miller gives a break to a crossing guard
Von Miller holds afternoon tea for anyone walking down the block.
Von Miller chooses to board airplanes in a later boarding group to let others go ahead of him.
Von Miller heals the wounds that are dividing our nation with his apple pie.
I have REALLY enjoyed the Denver Broncos 2017 pre-season. It will be difficult for the regular season to match this level of excitement.